What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
No but I was fuckin done when I realized my acrylic nail caught fire when I was hitting the bong.
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
He's gonna be so upset when he get's a real job and can't do serious drugs.
Just banged your ex. So it really is 'him, not you' in that he's gay. Rodeo champion gay.
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
i looked that guy up on facebook. the one who went down on me for two hours
what's the verdict
i've been scrubbing my vag all morning
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