I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
If life deals in absolutes, the in betweens are the most hairy.... Fortune cookie wisdom from a stoned Megan.
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
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