please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
did mom hear me barking???
oooooh yeah. good luck explaining that one
sooo high. sooo many dog friends
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
So I think before Superbowl weekend begins we should all take a look back on last year and learn from our pitfalls... AKA no touchdown shots and kitchen crying.
I don't even see the point of going over to his place dressed anymore.
I hope you fall on your chin.
Jealousy makes you ugly.
I think ur a lot drunker then u think u are. That girl has the body of a cartoon character and not in a good way.
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
IN OTHER NEWS did you guys see Orlando Bloom's penis today? I did
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Randomize
