he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
The freshman next to me just said "I was rocking out on my way here to Dave Matthews..." I wish I would have passed this class the first time.
well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
Like some sort of pot growing robin hood.
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
Randomize
