Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
So many stories. To uyou are sober. I heart you though. Jesus. Dirrty dancing jusyt came oine!!no. Lie.
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
Don't worry. I have logic.... just not morals.
Randomize
