Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
I wonder if they've ever made a porno about the song "she'll be comin' round the mountain when she comes"
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
But unlike the human Walter the plant Walter will someday grow to satisfy my needs
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
Randomize