i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
We just picked up about 540 lbs of women....
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
He screamed "Oh boy! Oh boy!" during climax.
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
I woke up in her bed, she woke up in mine. Apparently there was a miscommunication after the 8th jager bomb.
i am bringing shame upon my ancesors with my weak liver valhalla will never accept me
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
I'm 99% sure the Indians were high for thanksgiving and we should respect that by getting high too
He put his number in my phone as Steve handsome
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
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