Seriously, stop being so datable w your movie/song prefs
tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
I just smoked my last bit of kief with a grill lighter. This is what crackheads must feel like.
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
one night of dollar margs at dinner and dollar beers at the bar later, i am throwing up in his shower and gurgling soap and water to kill the taste of sin in my mouth. dollar days need to stop endng like this.
So someone just pointed out to me that during dinner, I mentioned more women that I'm attracted to than men. The transition might be complete. I'm gay.
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
That was when I yelled "Wisconsin powers activate!" and took off sprinting across the ice
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
Randomize
