Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
yeah, we figured out that passing a joint between cars was a pretty bad idea
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
Now if u will excuse me I have to go prep my vagina for this amazing sex filled weekend I'm about to encounter
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
What's clit gel and why is it in my wallet.
All she said to me before going to get another shot was "Damn, I'd eat her out."
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
When I told the bartender it was my 21st birthday, he looked at me all pissed and said "But you've been drinking here as 21 for the past 2 years.." How do you THINK the night went?
So I take it free shots were a no after that?
Randomize
