I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
I am midnight drunk by noon
Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
i may or may not be dressed up as my farmville farmer. gonna harvest some ladiesss tonight!!!
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
The last thing i remember was high fiving everyone on the planet.
Why do i even want him? It's like his dick is a trophy and I need to put it on my wall of shame.
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
AND I JUST GOT FUCKING DAUGHTER ZONED. NO. I'M DONE. I HATE BOYS. ASEXUALITY HERE I COME.
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
Get his dick out of your ass and put on some pants we're here
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
Randomize
