I promise you 4 toothbrushes taped together and lube does not do the trick
FB needs to have a relationship status called...screwing my roommates bf..linking their names would be an easier to tell her!
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
I covered the puke with a shingle there's not many chunks. I think it will blend quickly.
Randomize
