I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
Let's just say for some reason we thought it was okay to make a burrito smoothie.
i just lost my virginity over my 3 hour lunch break..
u hav a 3 hour lunch break?!
i like how the length of my lunch break is the thing that phases u
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
okay - we take $20 and buy each other some 'drink till we puke' clothes from the thrift store.
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
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