I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
in case you havent found it already in honor of Toy story 3 we wrote ANDY on the bottom of your foot while you were passed out on the couch.
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
At a pool hall. Dudes walkin around with fuzzy handcuffs cuffed to his belt. The douche bag level grows higher still
The panties match.
I'll be right there.
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
I'm just a little drunk right now and I have to work at 3
Omg sara
I ran out of milk and it's hot and I was thirsty
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Randomize
