my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
yeah it's now facebook official. i can no longer pretend shes my girl on the side
These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
We have started to decorate penises.
We turned on "find my friends" and watched her progress. Got concerned when she didn't move for an hour on Adelaide, turned out a booty call was made, then she went back to the bars.
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
You woke up butt naked, peed yourself said something about jumbo shrimp, and passed back out 10 seconds ltr..
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
Randomize
