There comes a time in a man's life when he's almost thirty he just needs to stop watching Degrassi. This is that time.
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
Fat girl left in a hurry. Possibly had to do with the missing bathroom door in my apartment.
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
Do you know what's great about Canada?..... There will always be a Tim Hortons on my walk of shame route
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
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