Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
There's nothing like puking in the airport on the way TO Vegas. Something tells me i pregamed a little too hard.
There's a difference between southern and inbred. She just doesn't know that yet.
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
just like cleaning my room and being more organized in my life. more so just making sure a toaster doesn't end up in my car again for 2 months
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
Dude she literally licked him. He was covered in cheese and in her high state what else was she gonna do?
Randomize
