last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
My vday gift was a joint bouquet, Finding Nemo on bluray, and a good shower fuck.
Um, WHAT A FUCKING KEEPER!
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
My memory of last night is a delicious blur of tits, ass, and alcohol.
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
Cum just came out of my nose. That is all.
first he passed out on the toilet...then hugged it and screamed no no no as i tried to pull him out
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
Randomize