That's what you get when you play shuffleboard drunk.
Ps there is totally a drug addled prostitute in olympic pizza asking for change for a 100 bill
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
I have no idea. There are 6 asians singing hey soul sister to me right now.
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
Randomize
