I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
When you leave ur sleepover boy on ur front porch waiting for a cab bc work
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
After the 2nd person threw up, you told us that your 'mint shooters' were just shots of mint mouthwash
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
Randomize
