are you still at the devil's house?
Keep in mind that he's 43, unemployed and living with his parents. There's really not much we could do to make his life worse.
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
I'll only sleep there if we can bone on your balcony.
We tried to do sophisticated last night, but our low class kept shining through.
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
he took my bra off with his teeth, THEN decided he just wanted to make out and cuddle. i don't know what the female version of blue balls is, but i've been living with it since 1 a.m.
Randomize
