plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
found a naked boy completely buried under a pile of her clothes and terrified...she says she was "saving him for later"
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
Ok, let's play "if you were a slut" again and try and retrace our steps last night..
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
You were dancing with a coffee pot of rum in one hand and a joint in the other. So that should explain everything.
Exactly. Stay back and unsubscribe from her
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
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