It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
So i looked up from her cooch and there was her ex-boyfriend
Awkward
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
well it was naive of you to actually think you're the only bday sex he had lined up for him today. I'm just suprised he actually had a line forming outside of his room
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
Lunch date was a success. And you'll be proud- my legs stayed closed.
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
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