Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
I made him hve sex with me in the elevator so that I could put my finger down in never have I ever.
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
There is a BIG difference between doing coke and getting peed on and getting peed on FOR coke
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
I REMEMBER NUGGETS BEING THERE BUT WE WERE AT A TACO BELL
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
Randomize
