I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
He bought my favorite ceral.. I've guess I've earn the status as one of his regular fuck buddies. I feel honored and proud. His roommates girls don't get this treatment.
So I ripped my crotchless fishnet body suit when my drunk ass tried to crawl through the crotch to put it on.
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
there is a guy passed out on top of me and i don't know what to do. help if you're awake? was anyone anyone expecting someone? maybe he found the wrong room?
he keeps various drugs in his kitchen cupboard like groceries. that is my new life goal as an adult.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
Playing pong against a girl who fucked my ex boyfriend so that's how my nights going
have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
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