The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
In America we eat man semen.
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
And your cousins porn shouldn't have been the first straight porn you watched. And for that I am sorry
He held the beaver pelt from the fireplace over my crotch and asked his friend "she look familiar now?", he then remembered my name.
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
I am rewearing my dress from last night. I only wore it for like two hours before fucking. And I took it off first so no cock contact. This is my new standard of cleanliness.
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