This is not my ceiling
ok, i just want to know who did it and which end it came out of
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
she pinky promised me she was 18
there has got to be a maximum amount of semen a person can take in before they get some kind of poisoning.
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
they knew we were both to shy to do anything so they got us drunk and locked us in the back yard with a tent. it was fuck or freeze
you have the best friends
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
Don't you judge us. Sockets make ideal bowls
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
My gay card got upgraded to platinum status today.
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
Randomize
