DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
and im sitting here waiting for them to work on my car. in a room full of men. that are too old for me. its like a sausage fest nightmare...
oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
I just sent you a google doc listing all the reasons why I should stop hooking up with him. Feel free to add to it.
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
Also. This Ativan makes me feel fearless. I think we need an exciting new hobby for when we take it. How do you feel about ghost hunting?
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
Your normalization of crazy is frightening.
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
Randomize
