I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
can u get pink eye on your cock?
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
Typcal friday morning so far. Puke, shower, commute/puke, coffee, puke, coffee, bagel, good to go. Lunch today?
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
I wish I was there so i could bitch slap his incredibly sexy face
Well she's 'call Wayne Gretzky a whore' drunk so you tell me.
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