Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
I wish his dick was as long as his hair.
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
It's gay pride weekend and Father's day.. So in honor of the occassions I am now BI
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
It's shark week go big or go home
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
How was that girls surprise party last night?
Got absolutely destroyed tried to put somebody's leather jacket on and make out with their mother. You know.. the norm
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