Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
Chipotle chips and wine for breakfast. Its def game day
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
This heat and humidity do not mix with these braless DDs and a tank top at a BBQ.
IF IT WALKS LIKE A MANWHORE AND QUACKS LIKE A MANWHORE, HE PROBABLY HAS VD.
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
Randomize
