He didn't know it yet but he was about to go down on me.
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
currently shading my boobs to make it look like i have mass cleavage...thanks art school
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
I can't believe I ever hated her sister or friends. They got her some sexy sexy ass lingerie for the honeymoon. I think I love them bitches
dude there's a blind guy on the trail using his service dog to hit on girls.
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
my extended weekend of being as irresponsible as possible started with blowing the bartender in the bar bathroom. off to a good start.
I'm not gonna plow a chick in front of her 14 year old brother....
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
I'm going to be there later than expected. There was a yo-yo incident...
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