She was lying the whole time!
She was a great actress
I was a great dumbass
I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
If you're staying here tonight, you need to promise me you won't make another bonfire in the lounge room. My girl is still pissed about that.
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
there is something very satisfying about getting tacos after hours of sex.
It's 4am & this guy is asleep with his junk still inside me..really rethinking my life
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
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