history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
This guy just showed us his webbed feet to prove that his son was actually his son
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
When you awake you'll realize that your car is missing....just know that I had it and becuz of your car I hooked up with the hot bar tender that looks like that guy from bay-watch however I parked it in a loading zone and it was towed...that sex was TOTALLY worth it love you
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
Good, I don't think Coke dipped ring pops hold up in the mail anyway.
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
I was peer pressured into smoking weed by a bunch of LGBTQ teenagers
Randomize
