I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
he said it was like fucking a big sack of slut potatoes
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
That's right. I did.
You are the saddest 25 year old gay man I've ever had the displeasure of knowing.
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
hooked up with him and then had a conversation with his ex about how we hate people who hook up with our exs...
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
Randomize
