I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
his life revolves around getting high and answering people on yahoo answers. he's perfect for you.
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
I believe I convinced two girls to makeout for freedom last night Hahaha
will you please stage a drunk girl intervention and tell him that his chain is severely harming his chances of getting laid tonight?
sex in a tree stand. check.
you lucky bastard
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
Just puke n rally. People can't judge, it's syllabus week.
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
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