They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
he stopped talking to me, quit his job, moved out of the province and then told me it was "no big" when I called him apologizing...
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
Randomize
