you want me
i'd rather choke on a dick.
i have rugburns grass stains and some road rash. im an all terrain slut
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
He's doing his thing where I don't know if he's alive until three in the afternoon so idk
Made up a full house drinking game
On my way.
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
Randomize
