I'm think I may have given your ex's number to a convicted sex offender.
Win!
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
She put up a picture of her grandmother on facebook, looks like the lazy eye runs in the family
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
He fucked me over, so I'm going to do what any rational woman does. I'm going to get really high and have sex with his brother.
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
Randomize
