did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
Could you imagine if a Skynet machine combination of Bob Ross and Chuck Norris were built? It would rule the universe with a soft spoken fan brush of kung fu dominance
It would be truly incredible. I hope we are blessed with this being in our lifetime.
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
Cruel joke of nature. Hair on head runs from face, and hides on various parts of body. Aging sucks.
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
JUST BECAUSE I LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED DOESNT MEAN IM GOING TO LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED AT WORK
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
If I slept with her my dick would come out glittery
coward.
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