New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
i don't know how the hand towel got involved, but i peed all over it
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
A total of 95 cents was stuck to my ass the next morning.
Actually some of the best sex I've had involved a lot of laughing.
How small IS your cock?
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
I climbed out a window to pee last night because i thought i was locked in the room... Then crawled back in and went to bed. The poor neighbors.
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
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