The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
Playing basket ball at the park with random people that showed up at 1am. the division of teams is based on what drugs people are on
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
When he sent me a picture, I swear my vag frowned. That tiny.
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
If I could go one week without being called a maneater or a spanish trolip that would be great.
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
Randomize
