id tell you what to do, but my morals dont exactly scream, "Listen to this guy!"
What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
craigslist faux pas number 857, just got head in a disability bus.
you were making out, puked over his shoulder and insisted everything was okay
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
Yeah.. he went to Tebow in the middle of the crosswalk and got hit by a cab... The yellow ones really don't stop
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
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