watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
I can handle NPR. I speak hippie. I took it in college.
Dont judge me. Him and his friends got me drunk for free, the least i could do was suck his dick
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
I gotta find new tactics tho. There's just so many tied up dicks one can look at before part of your soul dies.
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
Before I roll over explain to me why you're naked and on my floor.
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
Randomize
