I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
Then pass out next to me, I'll be under a pong table or a park bench. Really depends on the weather during Mifflin
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
Unless your name is actually "Ticfj" like my phone says, I have no idea who you are...
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
What does "mood AF" mean?
Mood as fuck.
Why did you comment that on a video of a gorilla throwing its own shit?
Randomize
