I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
barbara walters just said penis...
I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
if youre pregnant and ruin my spring break i'll never forgive you.
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
He walked straight into the wall, said "excuse me ma'am" and continued back to his dorm room.
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
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