Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
Four times in one night? That Energizer bunny outfit lived up to the hype.
Kyle's mobile fuck service..... Kinda has a nice ring to it don't you think??
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
My roommate just walked in on him eating me out ..happy finals week right?
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
I'm telling you, I 'm beginning to think that my vagina is magical.
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
How was that girls surprise party last night?
Got absolutely destroyed tried to put somebody's leather jacket on and make out with their mother. You know.. the norm
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