Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
Ryan Ross and Jon Walker left panic at the disco today.
I predict a mass suicide of the 14 year old girl population...
Facebook really needs to add a bikini picture profile tab for girls, it would really save me countless amounts of time!
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
I have minimal recognition and a lot of burns on my tongue and my vagina hurts.
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
We don't know where he is but he left his pants and what appears to be a tooth here so he's gotta come back sometime
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