im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
They should have to wear some identification that warns you to stay away. Like one of those cones dogs wear to keep them from biting stitches. CONE OF SHAME.
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
I'm jealous, curious, and aroused. All at the same time.
My job here is done.
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
on a campus of 30,000 people, i should not be able to see every single guy I've ever hooked up with at one party.
Randomize
