and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
I feel like if I were on Intervention, I would have to be a season finale.
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
We're doing the donut challenge later. How many can we fit on his erect penis. Needless to say we get along well.
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
Hurricane Earl: Get Blown party at my house friday! Byob: bring your own bitch/booze. Must have 80s blown hair style, kazoo/noise maker (vuvuzelas/airhorns are allowed), and/or bubble wands. \n
Why am I even shocked you're doing this....
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
Thanks. It's every girl's dream, right? To blow a bald marketing consultant 12 years her senior?
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
Randomize