Well at one point you put icyhot on your feet because you lost your shoes and it was snowing outside.
Dude. No way. She insults the term butterface. She's a butternothing.
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
Come find me please? Im in a ditch.
That doesn't help me much...
I'm right under the moon!
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
I walked into my room to see them crying, watching hey arnold, and passing a franzia box back and forth...
I wish there were birth control emojis
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
I guess I'm open to more types of dick now
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
Do they still have sex clubs in San Francisco? Because that'd be an interesting way to spend Easter.
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
Randomize
