kristin has been a bad kristin
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
I hope you get some kind or rare disease that makes your dick ties itself in a knot for fucking her you lucky bastard.
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
I woke up to my bra draped over his lamp and a huge bump on my head. apparently, I face planted while having sex in the shower..
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
This girls ass literally just fell out of her jeans in front on me on the escalator. Going commando on a Monday morning is a bold move.
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
Randomize
