What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
The Worst (noun)- 1. Getting up at 6am after a night of drinking. 2. Wearing a Peter Rabbit costume.
he refuses to go down on me anymore when he's high because he thinks my clit piercing stares at him
maybe after you take off her top her face will be hotter
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
So maybe I got drunk and hooked up with him in a hot tub? I mean that's nothing to be ashamed of, that kind of takes talent. I'd drown.
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
Randomize
