You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
I didn't budget in chasers this month so were chasing everything with water. Sorry.
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
Randomize