I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
Just so you know, I have a bf.
I guess as long as you bring single girls over and cook cannolis you will still be useful.
the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
I got woken up by a construction worker, turns out I was laying in a hallway, naked and wrapped in a matress pad. To answer your question no, I did not study for this test I got David Hasselhoff drunk
My god this is going to ruin whatever Vegas left of our souls...
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
I think I fell in love with her when I saw her kick a freshman in the chest
Ok. You have started something that can only end with a picture of the inside of my butthole. It may happen today or next year, but it's on my agenda.
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
Panties = found
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