I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
If you could come over after class and poke me with a stick to see if im still alive id really appreciate it
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
He paid the bartender with money from the tip jar then proceeded to hit on me in front of my date. I love frat dances
I got kicked out of the hotel after wandering into the banquet kitchen at 2am trying to find the shrimp....so we're power napping in the car and then driving to madison.
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
i know were having a "heart to heart" right now, but does it make you feel uncomfortable that im sexting someone right now?
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
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