DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
so... thinking about masturbating finally
taking the losers way out I see
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
We had to coat check the pizza.
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
I HOPE YOURE READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS AT TRIVIA NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT. also, i hope the birth of your niece goes well. BUT MOSTLY TRIVIA NIGHT.
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
I assume some self respect is too lofty of a gift idea
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
before i could order beers she was on stage 69ing with a stripper
ONE DAY CAN WE PLEASE HAVE SECRET SEX. PREFERABLY IN AN ANCIENT PYRAMID BUT I'M NOT OPPOSED TO A 4 STAR HOTEL
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