You went to church with your boobs hanging out?
Theyr'e a gift from god, I figured I should show him i'm using them well.
I love Japanese schoolgirls with short skirts riding bikes on windy days.
You're never coming back, are you?
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
no, throwing your underwear at it is not the solution to everything
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
DROP EVERYTHING! Gatta go get tested for herpes, lets make an adventure out of it.
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
we cut you off when you started chasing with your slim fast shake
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
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