Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
tequilla shots with my grandparents? christmas visiting just got so much better
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
Randomize