If she's not going to maintain the upkeep of her vag then I'm not going to pay the rent of being her boyfriend
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
you humped every kiosk in the store. then you asked for an application.
You left your underwear on the fireplace
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
Just streaked campus for a bottle of patron...maybe you're right...I might have a drinking problem...
Oh my god he's laying on a longboard singing the song from cool runnings.
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
Yeah the last text says "How many your ass,,,,, prepare it" so take that for what it is
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
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