Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
Printing the vagina inspector badge was money well spent.
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
I do have a life. It just consists of making scarves and chesse straws now
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
It took me half an hour to realize I didnt know them
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
